There are many things in my past that I am not proud of, but one of them was my stubbornness and anger that kept me from being willing to forgive. There were many times where I cried and cried because of the way I felt wronged by someone. I definitely held onto grudges, but I justified it because it wasn't like I thought about those grudges all the time. And I was the one who was in the right, right? Yet as soon as that same person hurt me again, all of the terrible, wrong things they had done to me in the past rose to the surface. In that moment of being hurt, all I wanted to do was spew out every grievance I had against that person and wallow in my anger.
Forgiveness has never been an easy thing for humanity as we can see by all of the wars, divorces, and betrayals in history. There are more than we can even know or discover in our lifetime.
I think that is why it was difficult for Jesus' disciples to accept the teaching to "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" because that goes against every fiber of our being (Matthew 5 :43). We are quick to defend ourselves when others wrong us. We are also quick to blame our problems on others. Our pride screams at us, "Don't give in! You are the one who is right!" And while sometimes that is true, in a sense, Jesus tells us to be like Him. So, let's examine this together. Did Jesus, the only one who is actually perfect and has the right to proclaim His righteousness (or rightness), ever act that way to anyone?
It can be confusing. God says to forgive our enemies, but Jesus called out the Pharisees and Sadducees, calling them hypocrites (Matthew 15:7, Matthew 22:18, Matthew 23, Mark 7:6, etc.). That doesn't seem like forgiveness, does it? it doesn't seem very loving, does it? But then we see Jesus talking with Nicodemus. He talks gently, willing to calmly teach one of the most simple yet challenging truths to this man who had studied the law his whole life (John 3: 1-21). Now that looks loving, right?
Well, they actually are both loving. You see, God alone is able to understand our hearts and true motives. For that reason, Jesus knew that the Pharisees and Sadducees were stubborn and legalistic. They did not truly know or love God, but simply wanted to be seen as perfect by others. So, Jesus called them out on it multiple times as only He could do.
Would it have been more loving for Him to have said, "I forgive you for everything you've ever done! You don't need to change at all. You can stay in your sin for the rest of your life, and I won't care." No, because as we know, only those who recognize their need for God, humble themselves before Him, and repent are truly forgiven and born again into the family of God.
A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog titled Conviction is a Grace which talks about this very idea. Jesus called out the Pharisees and Sadducees not only to teach His disciples the difference between following the law for appearance's sake versus following the law as a response to the love that God has shown them, but also probably in the hopes that it would convict the Pharisees and Sadducees and lead them to the truth--Him.
However, when Nicodemus came humbly before Jesus to learn, Jesus realized that Nicodemus' heart was soft. Though it is unclear whether Nicodemus ever fully committed His life to Jesus, it is evident by this story in the Gospels that Nicodemus was open to being wrong, whereas the Pharisees and Sadducees were not. That is why Jesus took a different approach with them.
But what happens if someone never repents or asks for forgiveness? Is forgiveness even possible without repentance?
First, we must ask ourselves: Did we go to the person who wronged us and tell them they have hurt our feelings? Have we explained to them the way we have felt wronged by them?
If not, then that is the first step. We cannot always expect that our fellow brothers and sisters will even realize what they have done or that it is wrong. If we are unwilling to approach them as Scripture has commanded us to do so, then we obviously are not willing to forgive them either. For true reconciliation to occur, it must happen on both ends (Matthew 18: 15-20).
I cannot tell you how many times in my past I have been hurt by someone and have told everyone except the person who hurt me. There have been others who have said to me, "They still to this day have not apologized. That's all I want!" This makes me question, "Have you talked to them about this?"
Or there are others who have told me they need space from someone because of what they have done to them, which has hurt the offender because they do not understand why they are suddenly being removed from that person's life. While it is wise to set up boundaries when someone is hurting you emotionally, physically, or spiritually, it is even better to explain to them what they have done wrong and seek to reconcile if the person is willing to admit they were wrong. Obviously, if they do not, then there cannot be reconciliation, but at least you have made them aware as to why you will be keeping your distance.
Which leads me to my next point. If someone is unwilling to repent of what they have done wrong, there can be no reconciliation. But, God is greater. I like the way that Professor John McKinley has put it in his two-part article (which you can read more of here) :
"Without the other person’s repentance, our problem remains of not being able to forgive them. We continue to bear the injury when they will not take responsibility, and so we will suffer additionally the bitterness of having been wronged. This is the bitterness of injustice. Instead of pretending to forgive them at a distance and without their repentance, I suggest that we recourse to the idea of pardoning them. The pardon allows us to set aside the injury and our bitterness into God’s hands."
He goes on to mention that in Romans 12:19, God promises to repay the wrongs that have been done to us. Therefore, we can be free to pardon others even when they are unwilling to ask for forgiveness, knowing that God will be the one to justly deal with all grievances.
I've talked a lot about the right way to handle an offense and bring about reconciliation and forgiveness, but there's something else that's very important for us to remember. We need to remember how much God has forgiven us.
We were completely unable to justify ourselves before God. Every single day of our lives we make choices that only benefit ourselves. We worship anything and everything except the One who deserves it all. Yet, despite our complete inability to rightly love God above all else -- to worship Him, obey Him, and follow Him -- Jesus made a way for us to be reconciled. He made a way for forgiveness to cover all of our sins. If we simply confess our sins, repent, and surrender our lives to God, He will forgive our sin completely (1 John 1:9). So much so that He actually forgets our sin (Psalm 103: 12, Isaiah 43:25, Jeremiah 31:34, Hebrews 8:12). Yes, the God of the Universe, the one who knows everything, will forget our sin, and He has, if we have surrendered our lives to Him. For this reason, it should be a very part of who we are to forgive those who have offended us.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant illustrates the importance of forgiveness in God's Kingdom in a way this is so clear, it can be painful. Jesus tells his disciples of a powerful king whose servant owes him more than a lifetime's worth of wages. But when the servant cries out to the king, asking him to be patient as he works to pay off his debt, the king completely removes it. The servant doesn't have to pay it after all! The servant leaves joyfully praising the king for his abundant grace...only to cruelly throw his fellow servant in jail because he didn't pay him back a mere one day's wage. When the king finds out, he throws the servant in jail because he failed to extend the grace that had been shown to him (Matthew 18: 23-35).
Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6: 14-15).
That is a pretty heavy statement! Are we unwilling to forgive others? If so, why? If the God of the Universe, King of Kings and Lord of Lords, has removed every single transgression and sin from our lives, how can we not forgive (or pardon) others when we have been forgiven of so much?
Though we cannot guarantee that others will ask us for forgiveness, we can do our part and be the ones to seek reconciliation. And if we have wronged someone else, we can humbly repent and ask for forgiveness. After all, if we have already accepted that we are sinners in need of grace, we can humbly admit when we are wrong because we all have moments when we fail. But thankfully there is grace and even more, there is forgiveness if we are reconciled to God.
Praise the Lord that He is the God who has redeemed us and forgiven us freely of all of our sin!
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